A Series Of Unfortunate Random Events
by Potionmaniac
Summary: What you, the reader, are about to witness is a marvellous tale of bravery, of deception, of love and of tragedy. Okay not really, it is a tale of random events with no significant plot line. Oh well. Our tale begins many moons ago late on a Friday night….


**What you, the reader, are about to witness is a marvellous tale of bravery, of deception, of love and of tragedy. Okay not really, it is a tale of random events with no significant plot line. Oh well.**

**Our tale begins many moons ago late on a Friday night….**

"Eric is just the cutest little thing though. just look at him!"

"Oh my god no, look at Nick! He's definitely the cutest!"

"Pfft, have you seen Matt? Cutest person in the world!"

Jess, Ruby and George are all huddled in a dark room watching a video on a small laptop screen, arguing over which is the cutest person in the video.

"I'm entitled to my own opinion, George! Besides, I thought you were straight." Jess said, sticking her tongue out at George.

"No, I mean he's cute like a dog! I want to have Matt as a pet, not a partner!"

"I have an idea!" Jess exclaimed, "How about we just agree to disagree? George can have Matt, Ruby can have Nick and I can have Eric?"

"DEAL!" George shouted. He reaches into the laptop screen and pulls out Matt Lang, hoists him above his head and runs/skips out of the room. Ruby and Jess both shout for George to put Matt down because it's not safe so George quickly shoves a crash helmet onto Matt's head and carries on. Ruby chases after George while Jess stays behind and calls another friend for back up.

While she is chasing George, Ruby shouts after him offering him several bribes to put Matt back, including baking him a chocolate chip cookie with Matt's face on it, but he refuses them all and stuffs Matt into a suitcase before boarding a private plane. It's not his private plane but the owner doesn't seem to be around so George just thought 'why not'. As an after thought George took out a knife and stabbed a few air holes in the suitcase and accidently grazed Matt with the knife once or twice, but luckily no serious harm was done to him. Matt tried to scream out but George quickly chloroformed him with chloroform so strong it'd keep him out cold for approx. 19 hours, before he could make a sound.

Just then, Ruby entered the plane and demanded to search George's suitcase, he refused and held the suitcase close to his chest, practically hugging it. Ruby lunged forward in an attempt to snatch the suitcase from him but George bit her instead. Ruby gasped in pain but responded by taking out a ninja star and throwing it towards George. George somehow managed to grab out of the air and threw it back towards Ruby who did a ninja backflip to dodge it. George used the distraction to his advantage and ran out of the plane back towards the airport.

Except Ruby noticed he had left the suitcase behind and smiled to herself and went over to it to free Matt only to find the suitcase was empty. Looking out of the window she saw George running towards the airport building with an unconscious Matt Lang slung over his shoulder. Ruby cursed under her breath as the plane door locked and the plane started taking off.

"Oh no," Ruby whispered to herself, "I'm afraid of flying…"

Back on the ground Jess's back-up had arrived in the form of a teenage girl, also happened to be called Jess _(to save confusion she will be referred to as 'Jessica')_ who immediately started chasing George down the runway. But George was cunning, as he entered the building he immediately started screaming and shouted "HELP, HELP! THERE'S A MAD WOMAN CHASING ME! SHE ATTACKED THIS POOR MAN WITH A KNIFE! SECURITY, ARREST HER!" The airport security immediately took down Jessica and was about to arrest her when she explained everything that had happened and proved she was innocent. Security turned around to start chasing George but he had managed to escape with Matt in a stretch-limo.

***Meanwhile, on the airplane***  
Ruby sat in the middle of the aisle with her eyes clamped shut, clutching her knees to her chest and rocking back and forth muttering to herself. Shortly after the plane took off all the overhead compartments had opened and hundreds of puppets had spilled out of them, littering the entire plane with puppets of all shapes and sizes. Puppets just so happened to be another of Ruby's great phobias.

Ruby heard a bang and screamed 'Oh god, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, this is it, I'm gonna die' but suddenly she heard a familiar voice shout " ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER FUCKING PUPPETS ON THIS MOTHER FUCKING PLANE!"

Ruby opened her eyes and witnessed none other than Samuel L Jackson magically appear in the plane in a puff of smoke. With a click of his fingers all the puppets had disappeared and they were back on the ground, in the same place they took off. Ruby said her thanks to Samuel L Jackson (which came out as more of a high pitch squeal as she accidently smacked herself in the face) and exited the plane. She ran into the airport just in time to see Jessica explaining the situation to airport security.

"Come on!" Ruby said as she grabbed Jessica's hand and ran, "We have to go catch George!"

They both jumped into a taxi, "Follow that car!" Jessica said to the cab driver, pointing towards the limo George was escaping in. The cab was somewhat faster than the limo so they caught up quickly and as they noticed George in the back window holding up a sign to them. It had on it in big letters 'FUCK YOU!' and had a smiley face on it. As they got closer they also noticed smaller writing on the bottom of the sign that read '#SmileyFacesMakeItAllOkay'. As soon as Ruby saw this she screamed out in rage. The limo tries to make a sharp turn but because it was so long and going so fast it just flipped over and George climbed out of it. Ruby jumped out of the cab and pointed to the sky. "What is that? Whoa, it's the Chitauri!" and then, seeing the confused look on both George and Jessica's faces, added "You know, the giant alien monster from The Avengers movie!?"

George's look of confusion vanished as he leaned into the limo and pulled out a vintage tommy gun and with a quick 'rat-a-tat-tat' the Chitauri died. Jessica tried to wrestle the gun from George's grasp but George grabbed Matt and put the gun to him. "Nobody move!" he shouted.

"Whoa whoa whoa, don't do anything crazy, George!" Ruby said, trying to calm him down. It wasn't working so instead she pulled out a guitar and both Ruby and Jessica started singing a duet.

'_Hey George, you don't gotta do this,_

_Let's revaluate our options,_

_Throw away our old presumptions, _

_Cause really, you don't wanna go through this,_

_We're really not that special,_

_Two girls and Matt are only flesh and bone,_

_Truth is that at last,_

_We're all pretty useless without Matt,_

_In fact, we're alone,_

_Just kidding because baby you're not alone,_

_Cause you're here with me,_

_And nothings ever…'_ they both suddenly stopped because they realised that George still had a gun to Matt's head and didn't look like giving up any time soon.

Ruby goes for another tactic instead: "NICK ATTACK!" Ruby threw Nick Lang at George's face (for she had secretly stolen Nick just as George had stolen Matt and had been keeping him in her back pocket the whole time). However George just grabbed Nick and restrained him as well, pointing the gun at them both.

"Now I have both Langs!" George exclaimed, with an evil grin on his face.

"Well that backfired a lot!" Ruby said, stating the obvious.

Jessica tries to run forward and grab the Langs from George but he punches her in the face _(how many arms does this guy have?)_ and she stumbles backwards exclaiming "I'M BLEEEDIIIING!"

Ruby then looks at something in the sky behind George and shouts, "OH MY GOD LOOK, IT'S A BIRD! WAIT NO, THAT'S BATMAN'S PLANE! LOOK GEORGE IT'S BATMAN'S PLANE! TURN THE FUCK AROUND AND GET DISTRACTED BY BATMAN!" but George wasn't fooled by it and Ruby noticed, so instead she threw a waffle at his face. George tries to block the flying waffle but doing so caused him to drop both Nick and Matt. Ruby and Jessica rushed forward to help them but George, outraged by his mistake, aimed his gun and shot both Langs dead.

Ruby and Jessica look at George in shock and begin screaming words at him but he wasn't really listening until he heard Ruby claiming that they were still alive. So George shot them again to make sure. Angry, Ruby charged at George trying to slap him round the face with a ham but he shot the ground in front of her feet to make her stop dead in her tracks. Jessica used the distraction to sneak up on George and tear the gun from his grasp.

"On the ground, hands where I can see them!" Jessica demanded. However George didn't do either of those and instead reached back into the limo and pulled out another gun and repeats Jessica's orders back at her. Both of them stood there in a stand off before George said, in a 'Chris Allen' voice "Alright come on, put your weapons on the ground. I'm not fucking around this time!" which caused Ruby start flailing about in a fangirling/laughing mess. "I'm serious! Drop your gun Jessica!"

"Or else what?"

"I… I…" he couldn't shoot Jessica or Ruby, they were still technically his friends…

Sighing in defeat, he turned the gun on himself, sparking a panic from both Ruby and Jessica:

"GEORGE DON'T YOU DARE!"

"GEORGE NOOOO!"

"GEORGE STOP LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS!"

"GEORGE LET'S JUST ALL CALM DOWN OKAY?"

George slowly lowered his gun when he heard something

"Wait, what's that noise?" he asked.

Suddenly, out of nowhere two guys carrying sticks in cheap policeman costumes that looked like they'd been bought in a costume store appeared.

"FREEZE MOTHER FUCKER! WE'RE THE WIZARD COPS!" they exclaimed.

"Damn those wizard cops!" George cursed, quickly hiding his gun.

At that point Ruby literally crumpled to the floor with laughter.

The Wizard Cops entered the scene to see Ruby on the floor, Jessica holding a gun and two dead bodies on the floor. George smiled to himself, thinking he had won but at that point Jessica took off her hat and revealed a hidden camera inside it. She showed the footage of what happened to the Wizard Cops. George considered trying to run but realised it would be pointless, these guys were wizards after all!

Instead he picked up his gun again and grabbed Ruby off the ground putting the gun to her head, "Nobody move!" George ordered, "or she dies!"

At that exact moment in a flash of light and white smoke Emma appears with a shout of "Did somebody say Emma!?" She grabbed Ruby, Jessica and the two Langs and disapparated to England.

"Well then, looks like it's just me and you two left!" George said to the Wizard Cops, turning the gun around to face them. The Wizard Cops responded by raising both their wands towards George. Just as George is about to pull the trigger the Wizard Cops both shoot some kind of spell towards George. The spells both combined in the air to make one big super spell and hit George square in the chest. Blood begins to spurt from the diary as George's body convulses. George's chest bursts open and a blinding white light shines out. Pieces of George's body begin to break off as he desperately wails. His face flakes away to reveal a grotesque screaming skull. Soon all his skin ignites into flame. His burning skeleton crumbles into a mess of gore and green goo. Joe Walker Dies. Yes, it turns out George was Joe Walker the whole time and he was just going on a holiday with his friend Matt Lang, who wanted to ride in the suitcase, before this whole fiasco got out of control. Sadly, it means that Joe Walker will no longer be involved in any Starkid productions because he is dead, then again both Nick and Matt are also dead so there won't be any more Starkid plays anyway, except if…

"Guys, I have a confession to make." Emma said to the others. "I am a robot. A princess robot. Who can bring people back to life!" With that she swooped down on the two dead Langs and brought them back to life. "Now that that ordeals over, let's have a party. My place. BUTTERBEERS IN THE MAGIC FRIDGE. Nerf guns are hidden under my bed. Wizard hidden under the stairs. Disney dresses in wardrobe. Snacks everywhere. Go wild!"

**-Excerpt from The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien**


End file.
